Friday, April 29, 2005

there was this *mother* walking down the stairs into Bart today with her not even 2 yr old in a stroller that she held with one hand while the other held her cup of coffee.

watching her inch her baby precariously down the stairs, left back wheel, right back wheel, left, right, and the baby sway and hang while the stroller tipped from side to side, until she let some other pained individual watching from behind help her get safely to the bottom, made my blood boil.

women like her should have their tubes tied well before puberty, just to be safe.

reckless and irresponsible parenting and any sort of abuse or cruelty toward children is the one thing I have a very hard time forgiving and believing that there is grace for.

i want to change this because if i don't, i'll never be able to admit the ways i personally fall short as a parent. while they're young and clueless, i'll be able to deceive myself into thinking that i'm doing everything right and once they're old enough to tell me otherwise, i won't be able to hear it because i'll have to protect my need to be the perfect parent who never makes mistakes or needs to say "i'm sorry" and really mean it.

the root is to forgive and understand my parents for their failures and ineptitude so that my own parenting isn't a one-up sort of endeavor to prove i'm better than them. show 'em how it's done.

then i won't be so surprized when i look in the mirror and see my mother. of course i will. see her that is.

then i'll be better able to do something about it before it's too late and my own kids grow up damaged and bitter because i never allowed myself to be human.

unforgiveable because i couldn't forgive myself.
anti's blog rocks. i think i left more comments there tonight than i have total in four months.

it just seems easier to do now somehow.

anyhow.

i read two posts tonight about people talking to therapists and shrinks.

i love mine. i see them both once a month and they are wise sages in my life.

i often wonder if therapy in berkeley is different from therapy elsewhere.

i am friends with them now and sometimes we talk about them as much as me. and it doesn't feel like a rip off at all.

i am lucky to have them, i really believe that.

even though i pay them and it's their job to listen to me and help me, it's still about building a relationship and that's always better than making people serve as means to your ends, you know?

my goal the next couple weeks: to be humble at my job and not give into the powerful temptation to be insolent towards those who now need me when i no longer need them.

this is when my true colors are called to the canvas.

i want to paint something rare and breathtaking. humble, helpful and respectful when no one expects me to be.

i love being full of surprizes.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

feeling lucky again folks. that's all luck is, you know. if you believe you're lucky, you will be. just ask him. it's what he's been trying to tell us.

i went running at lunch today and decided that nothing can singlehandedly change my mood quicker. i can start off feeling like the biggest victim and 2 miles later, i'm a champ.

that's amazing if you ask me.

i wonder how many dollars would be saved in therapy and prescription costs if people simply jogged more.

i wonder what people jogging more would do to the overall crime rate. that would be an interesting study for the Freakonomists. you know, kids with healthier parents, who exercise more and watch TV less, who therefore lead their kids to exercise more and watch TV less, and then they don't get called Fatso at school as much and don't wind up estranged bitter felons one day.

i wonder if anti's been jogging lately. he knocked me over yesterday. i want to be that honest.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

i want to write something tonight about something other than my job seach. however my head has been so caught up in it that it can't seem to think anymore.

this is not good.

i want to tell you about a friend of mine who recently resurfaced. actually, i want to share a conversation we had yesterday ...

"T - oh my gosh - how are you?"
"stay in the car, stay in the car"
uh, okay i said hesitantly. the only thing i have on my mind at that time of day is getting my kids to the dinner table by 6 and magically producing some food atop of it.
"girl, where've you been - were you in jail again?"
"yes! did my mom tell you?"
"no - but i haven't seen you in a while ... what happened"
"i violated my restraining order."

ugh, i can't do this right now.

just checked our checking account and the amount said $0. CA state cleaned us out, which was easy to do since hubby hasn't gotten a paycheck in a month. hope Uncle Sam gets his act together with our refund. that would be helpful right about now.

this is when i just close my eyes and believe that in a year, none of this will matter. in a month even.

nothing i can do or say will change the way things are right now. so why freak out like I r e a l l y want to?

thank god for direct deposit advances.

thank god for new jobs.

something really good better come my way for giving so much notice at a time when i couldn't afford to. i mean i hope they're grateful.

they are. everyone's being really nice to me at work. i can tell most everybody respects the heck out of me getting out of dodge and into a better gig.

but i'm still broke.

oh well. there are worse things I could be ...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

i spent all my time over here tonight. had some catching up to do.

wow.

that stuff inspires me to write.

but now i'm too tired!

hahahahahahahaha.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Monday, April 25, 2005


i accepted a job offer on friday and will give notice today. what a relief. what i'm looking forward to:

work right next door to my hunny

flexibility - might eventually work out a schedule where i can pick the kiddos up after school and be with them in the afternoons.

fresh flowers

lunch everyday

working for two people instead of twelve and making more money

10-20% annual bonus

paid commute

yet, i am scared stiff. perks aren't everything. but i am really hopeful that this is the start of something good. a better and more rewarding situation.

a perfect fit.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

i wanna write stuff like this

another action packed day.

met other dude i'd be working for today. Mr. "Low Maintenance" was a riot and a half. still has his boston accent even though he's been working three years in NY before moving west almost a year ago.

he talked very fast like he had an agenda he didn't want to give you time to figure out.

i'm not sure what to do. that makes me crazier than anything, when i have an important decision to make that will effect my life in a too huge to fathom way, and i need to decide.

i have been known to fast, pray and flip coins folks. no lie.

not this time. this time i'm going to make my best most calculated risk, and live with it. and make the best of it if i have to.

like i've also been known to do.

welp, time for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh yeah - i went to this karaoke place tonight and had a beer and sang a song. i've decided my living room variety is better because i can sing more than i have to listen to folks sing out of tune and in the wrong key.

i'm not being snobby, it was just downright painful at times.

but i'm glad i checked it out. it'll be funner with friends.

isn't everything? even poetry ...

Monday, April 18, 2005

amazing...

i loved that! picking poems to fit your peeps. how cool? i thought it was awesome before i even realized i was there! my poem is perfect in so many many ways. thanks, paxgitmo. i so needed that tonight! i'm glad i came.

even though i'm tired.

i grow weary of the job hunting and killing process. i am tired of getting emails and phonecalls at my desk. of being interrupted at all hours to field all kinds of questions and requests.

i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired.

stretched so thin you can see right through me in spots.

i just want to do the right thing.

i hate making mistakes. i know they're necessary and a part of life. but i just don't want to deal with any consequences.

i got really emotional and mad today. i have to get a grip and keep my kool better.

calm. cool. sweatlessness.

it'll be over soon. another interview tomorrow.

i'm tired.

what if my new job is too much? i'll make mistakes. i'll have to make friends and win trust all over again.

why am i suddenly not feeling so great about it all?

because i'm tired.

i think i'll try to slip a vacation in somehow before my new job starts. if it ever does. if they ever make me an offer.

i'm tired.

what's worse. i'm growing apathetic. too tired to care. who cares?

so what?

big deal.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


connect the dots

i'm overwhelmed. rather than try to put a cohesive and fluid post together, here are the bullet points.


  • as much as i hate it when people try to tell me what to do, sometimes i wish someone would just tell me what to do.
  • my husband read my blog last night.
  • i freaked out a little.
  • he tried to say something like, "well total strangers read your blog ... i'm your husband ..." actually, he did say that
  • i said, when a total stranger reads my blog and gets hurt or mad at me, they're in Pennsylvania, not my bedroom.
  • point taken.
  • i have an interview on tuesday am with an attorney who wants to pay me twice what i'm making now ... to do what exactly?
  • i plan to find out.
  • friday, i told managers at my current job that i'm probably going to take another job offer soon.
  • and, um, could they give me a reference?
  • and they did. really good ones.
  • they were sad for themselves and still happy for me, like i'd won the lottery.
  • that almost made me cry.
  • this is business, how can i cry?
  • so i've made lasting friends at my job. that's nice to know.
  • i have a rash on my legs that usually signals me that my circuits are overloaded and my chemicals are un-balancing.
  • this scares me.
  • i didn't go to church today and i don't feel bad or guilty. some things i missed. others i was avoiding.
  • in my soccer game yesterday i blocked a shot on goal with my right eye that now looks like it has a very bad make-up job.
  • not black, just blood red along the edge of my lid where the liner usually goes.
  • yesterday my fortune cookie said: your courage will soon reap for you great rewards.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Okay so, the interviews today were beyond words. i'm now anticipating a tug-of-war between two comparable firms.

i am so tired right now from all the excitement of having people say things like I'd be great, and they so hope I come on board and watching them throw more money and power at me like that will make the difference.

i'm not sure what I'll do, but the prospect of looking Queen in the face when she's back in the office on Monday and not having to put up with any and I mean ANY of her crap anymore is priceless.

i'm afraid of getting ahead of myself, so i must wait for their next step. i have no choice in that actually.

but what i fear most is making the wrong choice.

today was another one of those days that everything worked out perfectly. things beyond my control that have to do with timing and coincidence and serendipity.

more later as it all unfolds.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

interview in 39 minutes and counting ...

and my hunny just sent me this:


"Hi :)

Remember:

1) You are awesome
2) Let your light shine
3) Relax -- because it is great to be around you :)

I will be praying for you."


I know I've said it before, but what is the best part about his dealings with me is that he's NOT the smiley-face type. it seems that only I can bring that out of him.

Why that pleases me so, i'll have to explore later ...

Very interesting on so many levels ...

New Relations: China's Growth Places Strains On a Family's Ties --- Brothers With Different Goals Split Over Business Venture, As Father Feels Ignored --- Calling the Dog a `Grandson'

By Kathy Chen
13 April 2005
The Wall Street Journal
(Copyright (c) 2005, Dow Jones & Company, Inc.)

If you can pick up a copy today or view it online - this is a fantastic article. I copied it here and realized I shouldn't probably do that, what with the copyright laws and all. Not that a ton of people read this here fine polliblog or that i have any money for anyone to sue me for.

but it's the principle i get hung up on.

second interviews today at 2 companies with great positions. time to prove it wasn't a fluke. i'm nervous. can you tell?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

i lost count of the number of times someone steamrolled past (more like over) me today. when the thing they should of done was wait their turn, but instead they tried to defy the law of volume and occupy the space i got to first, with me still in it.

then i considered that perhaps my friend the universe was trying to tell me something. uni is very soft-spoken and often whispers, so you have to be paying attention and listening real close.

so, while it may seem like a very small thing, i'm committing to this new personal goal just the same: i will be the one to pause and let them pass.

I'll wait and hold the elevator door while you get in and then I'll get out.

I'll wait at any intersection while you go first.

I'll wait for you to finish your conversation, as well as your last sip of coffee, before I try to take your seat and table.

I'll wait for you to go first at the salon, even though you're a "walk in", while I called ahead and made an appointment, because your friends are waiting and I still have some time.

I'll wait because, like trying to walk slowly down a very steep hill, it is excellent exercise and this old lady needs all the help she can get.

After you.

Monday, April 11, 2005

SLAVES SHOULD BE FREE

So another great thing that happened last week is I met with Boy's teacher. it was post-banner raising (next day actually) and i was running on fumes all day from being up late the night b4.

i usually brace myself before the parent-teacher meetings for boy because even though he's smart and sweet, he's usually bored and therefore, often disruptive. so i prepared for the worst, rehearsing in my best feigning concern voice:

"oh, i see. well, it's usually the smart kids huh? we'll try to work on that at home... thanks for all your patience."

this one was different though. first thing i noticed was a beautiful picture she had taken of him. it took my breath away. he was totally happy and healthy and in his element. different from the silly goofball poses he insists on when mom or dad are behind the camera. i'll try to scan it and post it for you. probably a mom thing, but it's my blog so whatever...

she then proceded to show me paper after paper of really cool things that he'd been doing in that second grade class. wow. i could tell his teacher was proud. i was too shocked to feel anything but amazed awe sprinkled with a little I got way too little sleep last night for someone as old and responsible as me. it was a pinnacle moment.

one of the treasures she gave me was a little square book that had "Ye Old Journal" pencilled on the front cover. It was an assignment to write as if you were harriet tubman, so i guess he thought that sounded old or something. also on the front were little scrawled slogan type things that often smatter a kid's diary cover:
"do not read"
"privite property"
"read if you dare"
and my favorite ...

"slaves
should
be
free"

she had asked them to try and put their 7-year old selves in her shoes and here's what he came up with:

"July 17, 1830


My name is Harriet. Today two of my sisters were sold to a different master. I will miss them.

July 18, 1830

Today I worked so hard for no pay, mybye I should escape tonight. Will somebody tell? It's so hard for me I just can't think of what to say or do, yes, I will escape tonight!!!

crackers crack!!!!!

that night

I took my two brothers with me but they forced me to go back and next time I'm going solo!

crack crackers!!!

July 19, 1830

My name is Harriet. I am going to find some white woman that tryed to help me before. I think she told me to go to this Underground Railroad place but I don't know where it is so I'm going to ask her where it is.

that night

I'm at the Underground Railroad but, I feel kind of lonely, mybye I should go back and get people to come with me and this time, nobody turns back.

July 20, 1830

Well I see that 300 people wanted to come and ..... we're on are way to the Underground Railroad. Sombody wanted to turn back so I pointed gun at there head and said "You go on, or you die."

that night

All the cops are after me but they never found me, now everybody calls me Moses and I don't know why.

I never lost a passenger on the way to the Underground Railroad."

It left me speechless. and also wanting to ask him what's the deal with the crackers?

Oakland school district gave his teacher a pink slip again. the principal might not be able to fight it off this year what with all the school closings and teachers with seniority needing a classroom.

*sigh*.

She thanked me again for the Persian New Year
presentation, and I said - "hey, we should do a skit with the kids" and before I could shut myself up we (I) had brainstormed a little presentation where the kids act out an activist or person who was an instrument of social change and justice.

(I was high off of the banner i smoked the night before.)

I need 18 historical figures (for each child), and started with these:

MLK
Ghandi
Harriet
Rosa
Cesar Chavez
Eleanor ... (any others? pipe up)

and 18 extra hours in my day, and I'll be all set.


what was it he said she said ...

"You go on, or you die."
THE INTERVIEW WAS AMAZING!!!

This company is like the PROMISED land. Big salaries, family friendly, paid commute/parking, catered lunches!!!! Yes, for the employees. Every day!

The office manager and I clicked so well she told me right there she wants me to come back tomorrow and meet the folks. She said I had a special way about me and she thinks I'd work out great. She asked me what my salary requirements were and kinda cringed AS IF anything they offered me wouldn't be at least 30% more than what I'm making now.

I must say it feels great when you suspect you're being undervalued by your current employer (really yourself, cause you CHOOSE to work wherever you are) and SOMEONE ELSE AGREES with you!

I hope this works out. I'm already day-dreaming and can't focus. She was seeing other candidates today and so there's always the possibility that someone will walk in behind me and blow her away. But I hope not. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on their ad that this job was MINE.

Ok. Now to pretend like something really grand ISN'T about to happen to me, because it possibly may not, while I pray like crazy that it does.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

I haven't been here since Thursday? Impossible! I live here.

I do. I'm like the walking blogging. Now I just need to take simpleton's advice and write stuff down so i'm not reinventing the wheel every night after kiddos are in bed.

speaking of the kiddos ... toddler gave me a scare today and so i scared him right back...

there i was, arms full of interview worthy attire, for the rescheduled "dream job" interview that was supposed to have happened on friday but - thankfully - they switched it to tomorrow. and so ann taylor outlet here i come, blue jackets beware, we're coming in for your $29.99 pinstriped hides - yes! THIRTY BUCKS for an ann taylor off the rack, no i don't wanna be a man, i just dress like one, jacket. so, of course, i'm buying two and arms full of loot when two-year old trouble goes smirking out the door and out of sight.

uh. oh my god, can i put these here for a sec? i gotta get my kid ... Boy, stay right here, i'll be right back.

out the door and onto the side walk - scan the parking lot, whew he's not in the street, not to the left nor right either - damn he's fast!

and then, there he was behind a column, anticipating mommy and all eager to be found ...

oh, so you think this is a game do you?

"zz, if you keep doing that someone is going to take you away. a stranger will put you in their car and drive you away and you won't see mommy anymore ever again."

yup. i broke it down to my two-year old today. this is the world we live in and he was making a pre-school game of my worst nightmare.

i got his attention you better believe it.

then Ms. "Oh goodie i get to hassle the harried mother today" cashier gave me the "the line's back there" line, to which i handily replied "yes, i know, i was ahead of all those people before I put my clothes down here so i could chase after my fleeing two-year old." would you care to crap on me some more and add more stress to my stressful occasion, or will that be all?

no i didn't say that last part. the kids were there with me so I behaved myself. but if i were alone ...

i don't take my kids out with me much (i swore after attending every bank, hair and real estate appointment as a child that i would never put my own children through that extreme torture at such a young age, even if it is a cruel world i'm preparing them for) so I especially had to teach the baby a few things today about slamming dressing room doors so hard that all the rooms shake and people start yelling like we're neighbors and my TV's blaring too loud, even for the ghetto.

and he shouldn't lie on the floor to get a better view of the goings on in the stall next to us or down the hall. yikes! i pissed many people off today.

boy was such a sweetie and so helpful to mommy, the saleslady offered him a job and tried to put him to work. he didn't even humor her. i loved it.

i am definitely not teaching my children the whole "strangers are the friends you haven't met yet" philosophy of life. not yet anyway - i'm waiting until they're old enough to give em hell if they need to.

but it was all worth it because i now am all ready to suit up for the big interview. i haven't been this worked up about anything for quite awhile. i hope i relax and "use the force, luke" when the time comes, because at this rate i'm bound to say something really stupid.

anyhow. check out simpleton's posts of late - they're hot. and selfinflictedlife is a new hero of mine. i really like what she had to say about terry and jp, our world's more recent escapees.

(not to mention her shweet new banner)

'night!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

so my internet goes kerplunkt for a day or two and i come back to discover my banner is still AMAZING and simpleton's having an Oprah moment ...

and i know he's got that happy giddy tired feeling that you get when spend yourself on behalf of others.

that's so inspiring all. his banners are genius.

anyhow, i'm scarce because life exploded this week, and it feels like the pace has picked up and i started wearing rollerblades around my life.

there's so much to tell you and no time to do it. but i'm interviewing for my dream job tomorrow. i am so nervous and already psyching myself out.

i'll tell you how it goes tomorrow and lots of other stuff too. so much has happened this week, it's overwhelming.

all good too. i think it's the banner.

later

ps - blogger just munched my post, and i noticed this new link that says "recover post" and it did! yay.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

simpleton made me a banner yo! that is possibly one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.

thank you!!!!

wow. it's perfect. i could never have done that for my own self simp. AND i was about to post asking for suggestions on my banner and title and stuff.

so you made polliblog and no more dishes like for real now.

ok i could gush about this for hours.

suffice it to say: thanks again. thank you.

i've been hanging out over here tonight and getting a better education than the four years i spent at college. no, i learned a lot there too. but i'm learning lots more than i have since.

if you're reading this, you probably already know about there because not too many other people read this here blog because i haven't branched out very much yet. but i will.

in the meantime, if you haven't read or posted anything over there, give it a try. it's bring your own, open mike, kinda like a let's sing about our favorite thing to get activist about karaoke night blog - only the voices may as well be professionals.

and that's kinda a bad analogy because it's way more educational than entertaining and i am grateful for the links to articles i could never find by myself and engaging in dialogue that gets my juices flowing in all the right directions, you know?

anyhow, i've spent all my internet time over there and can't take too much more time here but i have to say the following about the goings ons in my life:

i had two job interviews today and i was very loved and liked by all. if this translates into more money and better opportunity for me, then i will be very hyped that i won't have to worry soooooo much about the bills. that we may be able to pay back all the debt we owe before the kids go off to college. that we may be able to buy a house around here before the real estate prices go up to an even higher insane and ridiculous amount and get a dog. french bulldog we've decided, i think. and we may be able to send our kids to a school where the teachers don't have to strike.

no, drop the last one.

i love it that my soon to be eight-year old comes home hot and excited about the fact that his teachers are carrying their picket signs around town and protesting the injustice of their school district's treatment of them, even if and when times are lean.

this is the education i want him to have.

Mayor Jerry brown was blogging about oakland sideshows earlier this month and someone left this comment:

"Jerry's tough guy rhetoric about side-shows and parolees is a distraction from his all around failure to improve Oakland.

50% of Oakland schools finished in the bottom 10% percentile in statewide rankings of California Public schools, according to today's Tribune. It's getting even worse under the leadership of superindendent Randy Ward, yet Jerry remains totally silent on the CURRENT CRISIS which may end up with a demoralizing teacher's strike, privatized schools and a shutdown of the adult education program.

Where are you Jerry?

Anyone remember, that one of Jer's 4 point platform for Oakland was to fix the schools? I remember. Six years-- the schools are even worse.

On your watch Jer."

Where is Jerry? he was at my son's school meeting with teachers and parents saturday morning. the general sentiment? so? what will jerry do?

i'm going to start writing more about oakland, promise. it is an incredible place. truly.

and i started swimming today and you know, swimming laps looks waaaay easier than it is. i was huffing and puffing after 25 meters (that's half a lap). but i love the challenge and something new and maybe now i'll have arm muscles and a wee bit of upper body strength.

later. peace. out.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

i have been very distracted by all that's happening on all your blogs lately. i've lost track of the voice in my head. my voice. not your fault. it's easy to do. keeping the balance, focus, momentum, flow - always a challenge for me.

anyhow...

i'm a bit off today. not so much because of daylight savings but because i slept until 1PM, 12PM really, but still. That's the afternoon!!!

Guess i needed it.

i watched lots of nickelodeon this weekend too. yup. just a wierd weekend all around.

will smith was the kid's choice for favorite movie actor (Kids' Choice Awards were sat nite, 'case you didn't know) and he did some preaching on stage and said that kids needed to do two things in life: running and reading.

running because when you're running and the little voice in your head is whining and trying to get you to quit and you listen to that voice, but keep running anyhow, there's nothing in life that will make you quit. you'll be unstoppable.

reading because there's nothing new in your life that hasn't happened to some billions of people who have written about it and have lots to share and teach you and help you with.

so maybe it was nickelodeon on a saturday night and i was pretty much home bound all weekend. but it was true. and it has been what I've been doing lately to get myself through this stretch of life.

i'm not "feeling" the internet tonight. but i'm still here. i read something (radiohumper linked) on "killology" and skipped some parts but got to the bottom of Col. David Grossman's lecture. which confirmed things i had only imagined about combat, warfare and violent videogames.

he said a lot and particularly a few things i have to quote here:

"You see, the essence of psychology is this: you're only as sick as your secrets. Whatever it is we can't talk about, those hidden factors, that's what eats us alive on the battlefield."

and

"The whole of human history up to and including World War I, I submit to you, was the same story over and over and over again. It was empire rises, empire expands, empire clashes into another empire, empire falls. World War I, from one perspective, was the Kaiser versus the Czar versus the King, and of course we get all the historians out there that can tell you the word 'Kaiser' and 'Czar' are simply derivatives of the word 'Caesar'. Two thousand years later, all we've got are Caesars smacking heads."

and

"And this is a true story. There was a photographer there, and a reporter there [World War II, when Americans were retreating in terror through a forest, pursued by Nazi SS. Reserve troops and paratroopers were called in to stop the Nazi advance under very difficult conditions], and what happened was this. There's one American tank, 30 tons of death, fleeing down the road, and this one lonely paratrooper walks out in the middle of the road. And he's got hollow, sunken eyes, three days growth of beard; an M1 dangling from his hand and a bazooka on his shoulder and he walks up and he stops the tank and looks at the tank commander and he says, 'Buddy, are you looking for a safe place?' The guy says, 'Yes.' He says, 'Then get behind me because I'm the 82nd Airborne Division and this is as far as the bastards are going to get.'

Now you understand how that applies to you all? When we talk land warfare, do you understand how that applies to you all? For the rest of your lives, you're going to be faced with individuals who are fleeing. They're fleeing drugs and crime and poverty and violence and oppression, and the fear that lurks in the hearts of every man and woman and you have the authority and the responsibility and the mission to stand up and say 'Friend, neighbour, brother, sister, are you looking for a safe place?' and they'll tell you, 'Yes' and then you tell them, you tell them, 'Then get behind me, because I'm a soldier and this is as far as the bastards are going to get.' And as you do that for the rest of your lives, may God bless you and your families in every endeavor."

.... endeavor.

and that's really what it's about isn't it?

there's nothing wrong with being a hero. people will always want leaders for the wrong reasons. it doesn't make it wrong to have them.

i have no problem with leaders. i respect what a coach can do for a team. what a captain does for a ship. i guess i accept that the most successful enveavors are accomplished under successful leadership.

parenting is leadership. teaching is leadership.

i am no longer so angry and bitter about someone hurting me or letting me down that i cannot respect or better yet appreciate leadership.

but i am much pickier about who i follow. you know? a bit more discriminating.

i also watched the incredibles this weekend. clever folks them pixar people are. it definitely had a strong message about heroes and life with and without purpose.

the pain of purposelessness is similar to the ache of loneliness. emptiness and apathy.

a friend of mine, unhappily unmarried and trying to come to terms with it was hung up on something she heard from another woman twenty years her senior, also unmarried and childless and seemingly at peace with it all. in response to her query the woman answered, "it is hardest to know that you're not at the top of anyone's list."

and it's possibly unbearable when you're not on the top of your own.

oprah said in a recent interview with Barbara Walters that she has accepted that husband and family was not in her cards and the world's children are her children. there is plenty for her to do in the world.

which is a powerful example i thought of a woman who is not defined by her role as wife and mother. yet what a mother she has become to so many.

which is how no more dishes began in the first place. one woman's not uncommon attempt to find herself in the midst of the dishes and diapers and antidepressants.

her desire to be at the top of her list.

and she's getting there.

by george she is!

um, who's george?

hahahahahaha

time to go ....

Friday, April 01, 2005

true wrote the post of all posts yesterday. i was so proud of her, and i barely know her.

i find when i read busblog i wind up reading blogs of young gorgeous women who easily bare all and handle all the attention better than i ever could or would want to.

then i read a post like True's and respect so much the courage it took for her to get that naked and bare so much of what wrenches our hearts and curls our fists in rage at the human condition.

unlike her, i'm not ready to talk about it. but i am grateful she did.

for i have shared those wounds so painful that for years i denied it ever happened. messed me up.

and when i started blogging, the prospect of addressing them rose up above me like the summit of an impossible climb to the top of the biggest and coldest mountain i could imagine.

i will see you up there someday, true. just not yet. not today.

and welcome back whitey! this post ruled (no pun intended) ... i was raised on the do's and don'ts of writing and it has taken some time to break free. to break the rules and discover passion and honesty. sure we all need reins to guide us but nothing too inhibiting.

not to be one, but i hate judges, too. i'd comment as much on your blog but apparently i'm an "invalid user". hmph.