[no title for the new nonconforming me]

so i have been going through tough times. when your friends call you for no reason because they're worried about you times. perhaps growing pains for the new don't-wait-til-the kids are-off to college-before-you-live-life-again life and times of

she who does not measure her worth by the cleanliness of her 1950s kitchen

the what- do-you mean-we're out-of clean silverware, you-can't-wash a-fork? me.

the why didn't i call the 2 talent scouts who discovered me on 2 separate teenage occasions me. oh that's right, i'm more than just a pretty faced hot high heeled pin me up you gotta buy these jeans or at least rip them off me in your next post-pubescent fantasy bod. and i feel my pockets for their business cards some twenty years later.

the i coulda been a rock star and now i sing kareoke in my living room when i should be helping give baths and spoon medicine me.

does learning to love me mean that i unlearn loving you?

where do you belong in my self-portrait?

i don't want to be a martyr. that's not love. that's an enamored narcissist turned suicide bomber. whatever that means.

self-deceit at it's deadliest.

i hope i inspire my kiddos to be content with themselves. allow them to follow their hearts and find happy.

in oakland they have a saying that goes something like this, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

isn't that the truth?

someone told me yesterday that i have soul. she's a black friend who meant it as a compliment to one not black, though often thought to be.

something like: you have soul, though nobody expects you to.

um, thanks.

i'm always wary when someone begins their observation of me with, "you're just like me ..." and i have this urge to plug my ears and hum lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

because there's only one person i'm just like: me.

but we can vibe like tuning forks passing a tune. dirty, unwashed forks.

love someone who doesn't love me? Piece o' cake.

but few things in life are as painful as loving someone who doesn't love themself.