Lately i'm numb and it makes me have a hard time writing anything because i don't feel anything like anger or fear or pride.

just blank.

amazing things happen all around me and i can only think about all the stuff i have to do and the responsibilities that i have and all the bad stuff that will happen to people i care about if i don't pull through.

the other night at the "fire-jumping" or shabeh chahar shambeh suri, i remembered what it felt like to not be enjoying the moment because you're trying to capture it for all time or maybe just for a second grade presentation on friday.

nine years ago today i was in dublin video-taping the St. Patrick's Day parade and wishing i hadn't taken the job. i just wanted to be in that moment, you know, and take it all in and not worry about the lighting or the angle or what was coming down the road next.

kinda like tuesday. and after my son ran over the logs too fast for me to photo him for the 5th time and i told him in a not so patient anymore way that he needed to SLOW DOWN so i could get a good picture, mr. proved one more time he inspired ferris beuller and talked a grad-student from berkeley into giving us a copy of the video he was shooting. he would tape me and my son and give us a copy of the whole evening, with one small trade ...

he would interview me about the evening's events.

WHAAAAAAATT!!!????

now i've never been called shy, but i am totally shy when i'm around a big group of iranians. it has something to do with the fact that i stick out because i don't quite seem to belong until i tell them my name.

iranians are kind people so when they find out i don't speak farsi, i am more often pitied than judged. but sometimes i'm judged and people say who cares if your parents didn't teach you - take a class.

i walk around the crowd hearing people's conversations that all sound familiar but god forbid they quiz me on what they just said.

my son kept expecting me to translate and all i could do was ignore him and suppress all the feelings of frustration and isolation that i shared with him. why couldn't i just tell him, i don't know?

i thought it was iranic (ha) that i would be the one interviewed, i who learned the traditions of the evening from articles found on the internet last year and had to quick look up everything i said when i got home to make sure i didn't make a royal fool of myself (and my people) all the time hearing the mocking dismay if my representation was full of crap ...

but it wasn't. somehow i pulled out all the right words and explained what is really complex in a way that most "lay people" could understand. i left dude a message yesterday and he called me back - so i'll have a VHS tape of our evening to show boy's class tomorrow.

i'm too stressed to realize what a boon this is. i can't wait until the week is over.

simpleton + hun + radiohumper + BT (busblog-style)