You don't want to know me today

today, you don't want to know me. you want to walk on by and act like we never laid eyes or laughed or made love or kissed after a long time having not. you just want to walk on by.

i hate everything today, actually, more like since 1:30 pm when i looked at the clock on the phone on my desk at work and realized it would be more than 3 long hours until i got to go home. i was ready to leave then.

how did i get here? stuck here in this life, on this treadmill. bored but busy and in over my head with people i answer to as if our life depended on it. cause it does.

i was in such a state tonight, i almost got into it with a lady at the daycare. she's actually not a lady, well she is, but she's really a friend. someone i enjoy when i see at the end of the day. but not today.

i was home alone with the boys while ZLT was at school and i just felt so sorry that they were stuck here with me on a day when it's better to not know me at all.

my son wrote a poem to cheer me up. see, i was tough on him doing his homework. he's bored with the stuff he brings home from school. so teacher said he could skip her homework and do stuff that i give him. and tonight, i wasn't "tough on him", i lied, it was more like i was impatient and hard.

so he curled up with the beautiful journal he decorated on Saturday with one of the girls next door, who helped him cut out the patterns, like the snowflakes i used to make as a kid, and color it in. he wrote a poem that he promised would "encourage" me and then he read it to me while he sat himself on my lap:

"I Love You No Matter What"

my parents are sometimes
grumpy, but no mater what
they do they will always love
me and I will always
love them too.

And when they tell me to
do something I do it
cause its the best,
and when they want to
go to sleep I try to
let them rest.

They always will
love me and I will
allways love them too! "

i wanted to die. and i felt myself SO want to soften and relax, but i was simply wound too damn tight. that boy has wings.

i am afraid my job is too hard for me. not that i can't do the work. it is more the who and how many i do it for. too many personalities and too many roles.

i decided that having the wrong job is like wearing the wrong shoes. they can be too tight or small or stiff or skinny or whatever they are, they're all wrong for your feet and life is all wrong when you're in them.

i don't want to know me tonight. i just want to curl up under my blankets and forget about this day and the inescapable certainty of the one tomorrow.

this, too, will pass ...

oh, and i read my comments on other blogs and was well, so mad at myself. disappointed. they are so forced, like when i eat my kids' leftover food so it won't go to waste. as if a post is wasted if i don't comment about it! i mean, i'm like a dog wandering the neighborhood, taking a piss on every tree just so the next dog knows i was there.

woof.